A long time ago my mom went to England and asked us all what sort of souvenirs we wanted. I asked for a dictionary. I thought it would be fun to be able to look up "English" words. This was before the interweb, after all, and looking something up meant using what was on your shelf or a trip to the library. So don't nobody give me no grief about asking my mom to haul dead trees around the globe. It was an analog world then.

Anyway, she did indeed nab me a dictionary, and I did indeed use it. But she also got me another reference book called "The Dictionary Of Slang". I still have it, in fact. It was published by Penguin Press, and was a couple hundred pages of British, Australian and American slang. I seriously doubt that my mom read through it at all before she bought it since there was no way she would have purchased it (much less actually held it in her hands or put it in her suitcase) if she had given the book even more than a couple minute's attention. It had some pretty raunchy stuff in it. The cover was rather benign, however.

The American slang entries were the funniest part, believe it or not. If I ever went back in time to, say, 1972 and found myself in, say, downtown Detroit, I'd have had the lingo down cold. I found myself using more than a prudent amount of those entries for a nerdy white kid in the 80s. But at the time, calling someone a wanker or a wally or whatever wasn't nearly as cool or useful as some of the other American slang terms (which people were more likely to know -- or at least have heard in popular American entertainment). I admit now, however, that I have actually gained more practical use out of recalling the British entries. For example, I've had several dodgy creations bollocks up my plans through the years. What am I'm on about, you ask?

That lack of dub-dub-dub I mentioned before? Predictably, technology has solved problems that weren't really in much need of a solution. You can get pretty much the same slang dictionary without having to ask your mother to tote it back from the Old Country for you. Sadly, it doesn't seem to include any of the U.S. enthnic or prison slang, but a couple strolls through there and you'll be an expert in the British language in no time. Just remember to always put a question at the end of every statement and you'll do fine.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go crimp off a length.