Because it's been so long, and I'm in a mood to gross people out, I now present you with another brief installment of... Conversations With E! A classic from several months ago, wherein pop-culture references explode like great gouts of... well, let's wait on the analogy for now.
***
E: I see you.
me: Eek!
E: I'm squishing your tiny head!
me: I scoff at your meager attempts to pester me. I am invincible.
E: Blarg! Honk!
me: Alright, there, Homestar Runner.
E: You just wait till I start quoting Monty Python at you, Ms. Smartypants.
me: Go away, or I weell taunt you a second time!
E: I don't actually think you remember how to taunt a person properly, it's been such a long time.
me: Aw, just like riding a bike. I just give you a break because of your ongoing service to humanity, and all the bodily fluids that entails.
E: Some of them are not so fluid-like. Many are quite semisolid!
Chunky, even.
And fragrant.
Occasionally under pressure.
me: Thanks ever so much for oversharing.
E: Loculated. Purulent.
me: Don't go bandying about your fancy terms with me, Mr. Poopwrangler.
me: Mr. Pus-harvester!
E: Poop is for interns.
me: He's Mister Pus-Meister, he's Mr. Lance. He's Mr. Ass-Blister, he's Mr. Drop Yer Pants!
me: Things devolve so quickly when you're talking to me, don't they? It's my special talent.
E: [Embarks upon a long-winded clinical description of a "Carbuncle" with "freely flowing yellow-gray purulent material" and "internal loculations". Trust me, this is already more than you want to know.]
me: I'm going to start calling you Locutus of Gore.
E: If you're good, I'll type you the hemorrhoid I&D someday! Because I like you so much.
me: Oh. goody.
Sorry about the lack of recent contact. Until I get the gumption to update for real, I offer you this tidbit from a recent Jabber conversation between me and Wee:
T: Ack, just had an "Office Space" moment - R. walked up and said, "What's happenin'?"
W: run!!!
W: get out before you die!!!
T: He said it in that same tone of voice too,
which was the bad part. "Whuuuut's happenin?"
W: I think he's actually a monster from space that wants to eat you. He was just sizing you up so he know what kind of pot to bring.
T: Think so? Now I'm nervous.
W: I'd be wary.
T: Perhaps I should procure some alien repellant.
W: see, my theory is that he learned how to communicate from TV signals that leaked out from space. Since Office Space is a workplace movie, the Alien Rich would know that and mimic that boss to interact with you in a disarming fashion
W: It's like that Mork and Mindy episode.
T: You may be on to something there. He seemed really interested in the parts of the negotiating with suppliers seminar that taught you how to "mirror" other people's personalities to gain their confidence, and the bit about being a "paid professional actor".
W: See?
T: Ah man, now I'm worried.
W: I think he's after your glands
T: I don't want to have my glands eaten!
W: the aliens only like choices morsels. That's why cows are only disfigured, not eaten.
T: They pick out the tasty bits and toss the rest?
W: Uh huh.
W: It's evil.
W: The humanity!
T: Oh, the hohwah! I have to warn the others!
W: Da hohwah!!!
T: Although, if the alien took my ovaries, I wouldn't have to go see any more chick flicks...
Thought I'd share a Jabber conversation I had with my pal Eric recently... (Hi, Eric! Hi! Don't whine - I told you I needed content!)
(Note: Lunchtime. I'd just bought a box of Thin Mints from the Coworker with the Kid in Girl Scouts - there's one in every cubefarm. Eric's cleaning his desk).
T: I don't think the cookies are helping my mood. Now I'm pissy and hyped up on sugar. Bad combo.
E: why pissy?
E: and, as a corollary to that... "You? Pissy? Never"
E: Or should I not goad you?
T: Very bad idea. Crampy and annoyed at my job. Beware.
T: Hence my diving headfirst into a bag of chocolate cookies...
E: Okay, the cleaning of the desk has had a paradoxic effect. Now the rest of the room seems by comparison unbearably messy and full of crap. What would I do if I had your amount of knick-knacks?
T: A lot of dusting, I would think. At least, that's what I do.
E: Toia and I were talking about your decor. Interesting that it came up independently on your blog.
T: What were you saying about it? Chock-fulla-crap Classic?
E: Mostly what we felt was that we could never pull it off- you have to get an empty horizontal space first, before you can put lovely tchotchkes on it....
T: Yeah, see, the tchotchkes prevent the accumulation of other crap. They're like crap bumps.
E: Are you lunching yet?
T: Cookies?
E: No, off the clock lunching.
T: I'm salaried - it's all relative. I have a Weight Watchers frozen lunch glaring at me from my bag, telling me to get my paws off the damn cookies and warm it up instead.
E: I'm warming up the leftover ribs from last night.
T: Chomp!
E: You DO know that WW dinners have carageenan- a known appetite stimulant, don't you?
T: Buh? Why would they do that?
E: Stimulate sales .. and business. Works like a charm.
T: I don't believe it. They CARE about my weight loss! Damn it, why must you topple my idols?
E: You know I'm kidding, right?
T: I'm going to eat the rest of the cookies now.
E: Mmm. Cookie.
T: The bowls do have carageenan in them, though - I just looked. What is that shit, anyway?
E: appetite stimulant.
E: heh heh heh.
T: =P
E: I knew you'd look.
T: It's a natural seaweed gelling agent that provides viscosity.
E: It's some sort of texturizer for food-- i see you've looked it up.
T: I have to know.
T: Got to go warm up my carrageenan bowl. Be right back.
T: You know, for all the "thickening agents" this stuff has in it - the seaweed, the xantham gum, etc. - it's terribly watery.
E: so solly for delay...
E: rib attack
T: Ieee!
E: Maybe your dinner needs some cookie crumbled into it
T: Now that would be a taste treat.
T: Teriyaki chicken and choc mint crumble.
E: with seaweed sauce!
E: although the asians have pioneered the whole "seaweed as everyfood" movement.
T: That's true. Reminds me of that scene from "Logan's Run".
E: ?
T: "…Plankton, sea greens, protein from the SEA!!"
E: ??
T: Didn't you ever see that movie? It's a classic, fer chrissakes.
E: nope
T: Uh-oh, the chicas are coming back with their lunches. Room volume will be increasing exponentially in...
T: 3-2-1...
T: Mira! Mi gusta!
E: y ella me dice que ....
T: No puedo comer más galletas.
No puedo comer más galletas.
No puedo comer más galletas.
No puedo comer más galletas.
No puedo comer más galletas.
T: LOL
T: I didn't mean to send that five times. But I like it.
E: sometimes mantras help
T: ROFL
E: mantras... don't come easy.
T: It has a ring to it, too. Rolls off the tongue. I think it will be my new mantra.
E: therapeutic, too
T: Truly. I will eat no more cookies forever.
E: ... after these boxes?
T: I will eat no cookies.
E: ...before their time?
T: That's what Orson Welles should've said... Screw the wine.
E: i don't think Orson spared the cookies, either...
T: Last word on his lips wasn't "Rosebud"... it was "Oreos, bud".
E: You should hear the noises coming out of my nasal cavity.
T: If only. Could you mpeg them for me?
E: if i had a scope to shove up there, i'd give you a direct video stream.
E: get it.. stream?
T: Glad I've already eaten my Bowl O' Additives.
E: New! From Kellogg! Mucus-O's! Freshly scraped from the linings of poor flu-infested souls! Guaranteed to boost immunity.
T: Muc-O's! Fortified with antibody-generating goodness!
E: Now with slime-enhancing carrageenan!
T: Mucus could be the next carrageenan. All-natural thickening agent.
E: barf!
T: Come on. It's good for you. Protein... from the nose!
T: I think I should post excerpts from this chat onto MonkeyGumbo.
T: Not that anyone but you and Bill reads it, prolly.
T: Gnawing on ribs again, are we?
E: religiously.
E: reading, not the ribs.
T: Thanks for clarifying.
E: although ribs are quite the experience...
T: They're so primal, aren't they? Gnawing on bones like that. Very satisfying to the inner caveman.
E: grunt!
E: I'd probably make a killing by starting a religion based on ribs.
T: Yeah - Church of the Holy Rib. From the one Adam gave to make Eve right up to a tasty meal at Chucky's Tex-Mex BBQ... they're a very powerful symbol of life!
E: I got all my praying in already today. I've moved on.
T: Sorry, I'm still sticking to ribs.
T: And tickling my own ribs. But OK, I can get past it.
E: okay.. productivity must now ensue. Off to the post office and thence to target and thence back home to the mess.
T: Have fun. Organize or die.
E: buh-bye!
T: Right on. Catch ya spater, Expectorator.
Heh. I relish the nourishment of intellectual conversations like these...