I have a solution for the cruise ship piracy problem: arm the vacationers. You know how they used to offer trap/skeet off the stern of cruise ships a while back? It'd be like that. Except way more fun. Here's how it works...

At several points around the upper deck, there are unobtrusive white weatherproof lockers. In those lockers are surplus bolt action rifles -- like old Enfields or something. They're about $80 each, and so almost disposable. Stock each locker with, say, two dozen rifles and 2,400 rounds of ammo on stripper clips (for faster loading), and 6 shotguns with perhaps 50 rounds of 00 buck each. You need about one locker for every 60 linear feet of deck railing.

Every locker has two crew members assigned to it, each with a key. All the lockers also have a centrally-controlled internal lock, and each is alarmed. The crew members wield the shotguns, and act as spotters. The passengers get to use the rifles. They sign up for deck rifle duty early on in the cruise -- before the ships weighs anchor.

Right after the life jacket drill, the volunteers get training on how the anti-piracy program works, and basic marksmenship. This only needs to be about an hour at most. Each person signs a heavy-duty waiver, is inducted into the shipboard militia, given an oath swearing to upload maritime law and the ethical dictates of the captain and crew, and finally assigned a locker station to report to in case of defensible action in warranted.

When word of impending piracy is broadcast, the locker crews immediately attend to their assigned locations. Those passengers cleared for rifle duty are asked to report to their deck station. Everyone else is asked belowdecks.

The gun crews check in each passenger using the barcode on their picture IDs, and assign each militia member a weapon (also barcoded) and 100 rounds of ammunition. Each newly-armed passenger is assigned a portion of railing, a field of fire, and given the order to call out any targets.

Once pirates are spotted, locker crews report the contact to the bridge, and ask permission to fire. (If the ship is fired upon first, return fire is immediately warranted, and able to be authorized by the locker crews directly.) The bridge makes the call to open fire or hold fast.

What this basically boils down to is a big cruise ship bristling with rifles that have an effective range of about 600 yards. Since all militia passengers can't be relied on to accurately shoot that far, the concept relies on volume of fire, purely as an ersatz area-of-effect weapon.

Piracy would end abrubtly, which would be a shame. The world would be much better off without those who would prey on the unsuspecting in it. The passengers would get a bit of extra excitement, and the sense that they are improving the lives of everyone who comes after them. Without something, they're basically trapped there like cattle, at the mercy of a glorified rape whistle. If you take an African cruise, pray that you get a ship with high-tech defenses. But really, a more permanent solution is warranted.

Morally, there's no grey area with any of this. These are guys who pile into little fast boats with rocket launchers, bent on maiming, killing and stealing. They'd leave an entire ship's complement for dead in a heartbeat. The minute they come after a cruise ship, the jig is up. They know what they are there to do, and so does the crew of their would-be target. A lower form of life than these I cannot imagine.

Besides, it'd be hellaciously fun to teach these bastards a terminal lesson in the differences between right and wrong. I'd pay double for a room on that cruise ship.