Dear Mr. BizDev Guy in Cube Across the Hall:

I'm really curious if you are a double amputee or not. Because I just can't figure out why you always have to use your speakerphone on ultra-loud volume all day. I mean, you must not be able to lift the receiver to your ear, right? And have you heard of a headset? I'd think even a guy with a pair of hooks for hands could manage to wrangle one of those on in the morning (I mean, if you know you're going to be on the phone all day, why not get set up early?). They give headsets out for free at the tech stop. You might even be able to flag down some flunkie to make the 150 yard walk for you. Why don't you avail yourself of one instead of using your speakerphone. See, because nobody uses their speakerphone. Because it's rude!

Do you want to the rest of the office to know you're a mover and shaker? Probably. Is it your over-inflated sense of self-importance? Almost certainly that's part of it. But when you can can be heard waaaaaay over in the bathroom (easily 100 feet away) then you have a problem. It's called a lack of concern for the well-being of others, jackass. You work in a shared office for fuck's sake! Have a sense of responsibility for the comfort of the 200 other people who have to work near you!

Nobody cares who it is you're talking to. I've talked to people at big-shot companies too. Nobody cares that you're "going to have to put this under NDA before we move forward". I've signed more NDAs than I can remember. Nobody cares about synnergy, taking it to the next level, bringing [insert group name here] in the loop, or any other horseshit marketer-dronespeak that comes out of your filthy hole at the top of your voice. Everyone just wants you to shut the fuck up and use your phone like everyone else.

You want to swagger aroud the cube while being Important with a capital I? Fine, nothing wrong with that, Mr. Always Be Closing. Just get a headset and long cord. Don't continue to foist your conversation on everyone else. You already foist your goddam cologne on us (what do you do every morning, bathe in that shit?). What other senses can you assualt us with? No, I mean it: you touch me and you're in trouble.

Signed:

A guy who has to put up with your shit while actually trying to get the work done which you converse about with so much bravado.

P.S. If I once more have to hear you check voice mail more than 6 times an hour, I'm going to leap over the cube wall and stab you in the neck with my scissors. There's a fucking light on the phone which tells you if you have voicemail, you nitwit! Are you really too stupid to look for the flashing red light on the phone, or are you hot for the sound of the voicemail lady's voice? You just like pressing your PIN and the pound key a lot? You like to be reassured that you can press zero for more options?!? What is it? Why, damn you, WHY?