You know how I loves my Oscars.... So here are some of my impressions of last night's scene:
SNARKY:
- Thumbs-down for Renee Zellweger's Mexican Goth chic. There's a fine line between pale and corpse-like - when RZ was looking over her shoulder during her red carpet pose, she should've made note of where that line was, so that she can rewind herself into a tanning salon ASAP. And yeah, we know she's lost every ounce of that Bridget Jones weight - no need to shrink-wrap herself in bright red to make sure everyone knows it. Besides, the tighter the dress, the more it looks like whatever residual body-fat she does have has been Easy-Squeezed up into her shiny, swollen cheeks.
- Why, WHY must Gwyneth Paltrow torture her poor, collapsed-souffle tits by continually wearing dresses that make them look scary? Enough with the saggy sheaths, and/or the unflatteringly low, flat bodices... Lift, Gwynnie, for Chrissake - LIFT!!!
- Natalie Portman's dress: pretty, I guess, but the color, texture and style all said Star Wars to me somehow - like something Padme might have worn to a fancy party on Tatooine. I didn't dig the sparkly headband.
- The Fab Five need to shanghai Ethan Hawke, lock him in one of their empty closets, and refuse to let him out until he knocks for a shave and a haircut - waive the two bits, this one's gratis! Just allow someone to help you lose the mangy weasel look once and for all, dude.
- HATED the "kicky" new time-saving awards format. Presenting the less-exciting awards in the middle of the audience was tacky, tacky, tacky. I don't know what particular vision any of the recipients had about giving an acceptance speech, but I guarantee that whatever it was, it involved standing on the fucking stage, not in the theater aisle next to their seat with their back to the audience like they're at a town hall meeting. Having that glory moment front and center with all those famous faces beaming up at you is a major element of the experience, and these poor folks were robbed of it. Badly done. The awards where the nominees were assembled in a line on the stage weren't AS bad... However, even that had a strange, off-putting Miss America vibe. They may as well have had the last year's recipient walk up behind the hopefuls with the statue and tap the winner on the shoulder with it.
- I think it's cool that Chris Rock didn't get too nasty with the jibes, but I actually think he may have gone a little too safe with his performance. People were expecting some edginess from him, but I think overall he cracked fewer jokes about the stars than any of the other hosts in recent history; the digs he did take had a mean-to-funny ratio that was just a little off.
- ... which Sean Penn couldn't abide. Sean. Dude. Rock's Jude Law joke wasn't particularly clever, but it wasn't all that insulting either. I'm sure Jude's grateful for your esteem of his talent, but you sounded like a huge tool. Honestly, I don't know who you think crowned you King Auteur, but I have two words for you, you humorless motherfucker: Jeff Spicoli. For all the ultra-intense, pensive, tortured roles you assume for the rest of your life, after you're dead, the role that will live in most people's minds when they think of you will likely involve a knock on the noggin and the words, "That was my SKULL!" So please channel a little of that erstwhile stoner zen, and lighten the fuck up.
- Laura Linney - cool dress, but you have such a natural, fresh-scrubbed beauty - what up with the punky black eyeliner and the over-moussed fright-mane? Please don't do that again. Check out Halle Berry's example for minimalist beauty that knocks people's socks off.
- Too many strapless gowns! Boring. And not always flattering (see Paltrow, Gwyneth).
ADMIRING:
- Not many people have mentioned Kate Winslet's dress, but I thought it was beautiful, with one of the most flattering bodice/shoulder cuts I saw all night. Cool periwinkle-blue color as well.
- The curve of Hilary Swank's back is a sculptor's nocturnal emission. I wasn't fond of the front of her dress - she looked like she was being choked by it - but I could sure see its purpose when she turned around.
- Cate Blanchett, unlike her contemporary Ms. Zellweger, knows how to work the pale-skinned look. Gorgeous Valentino dress, great style.
- I didn't like the frizzy hair on Scarlett Johanson, but she never goes wrong with the unique elegance of her gowns, and this year's choice was no different. I liked the diamond tiara, too, and even the style and color of her hair - just not the lambswool texture.
- Yeah, so Jamie Foxx's role in "Ray" was more of an amazing imitation than an original creation; he still nailed a tough role, and deserved the Oscar as much as anyone, and even though he's given some version of the Grandma speech about 5 million times, it still came off as heartfelt and touching and it made me verklempt. And he brought his daughter as his date, which was sweet. I'm OK with that kind of schmaltz.
- Clint is the man. It's cool that he still keeps a good relationship with Frances Fisher, and that he brings his ancient little mom to the awards, and that he's doing his best work at a time in his life when most men are retiring. And he's still kind of hot.
- Other well-dressed fellas: Thomas Haden Church (loved the pink tie); Don Cheadle (liked his wife's dress too); Orlando Bloom (dug how his bowtie was tucked under his collar - interesting variation).
- Clive Owen - SO cute! You may agree, but I bet you didn't even know who this guy was 2 years ago; yet he's been my Movie Star Boyfriend since way back when Gosford Park came out, and I'm almost sad that I have to share now. I figured he was a long shot for the Oscar, but he scored the Golden Globe, so that's hip.
Overall, I thought the awards were... OK. No standout speeches, no outrageous attire, really nothing exciting nor overly controversial nor tacky enough to really rile things up; just OK. The one thing I thought was cool was that the two guys who won Best Supporting Actor and Best Actor happened to be black, yet there wasn't a bunch of discussion about it. They were simply the winners. That, I think, is true progress. Anyway, here's hoping next year brings a little Krazy back to the Red Carpet.
So my hometown, Klamath Falls, OR, made national news today! Apparently some KFallsian thought it'd be a swell idea to celebrate the joyful tidings of Valentine's Day by convening a bunch of his Internet pals for a suicide party; their plan was to meet remotely in an online chat room and then - 3, 2, 1, GO! - all do the deed at once.
Granted, Klamath Falls is the sort of backwater agrarian community that has driven more than one sad soul to the brink... But you have to admire the ambition and creativity of this particular cadre of the desperate, employing technology to bring mass suicide to the next level, man! They were gonna put this fuckin' cowtown on the MAP!
Then again, admiration may be a strong word. Especially when there was one woman willing to kill both of her children as part of the event, the nutty bitch.
Disaster apparently averted, anyway. So now Klamath Falls is known not only for defiant potato farmers vs. endangered suckerfish, but for suicidal megalomaniacs. Sweet!
On Sunday, while the majority of the nation was parked in front of some TV or another catching the Big Game (whatevah!), Wee and GJB and I decided it'd be a fine day to pursue some hot Go-Kart action at Miramar Speed Circuit. GJB and Chagen had generously given us memberships for Christmas, but honestly, I had no idea what it was all about until GJB suggested we go this weekend.
As soon as I got there, I realized, correctly, that So! Much! Fun! was about to ensue, and in fact did. 10 people at a time go out on a 1/4 mile course for about 10 minutes, which is plenty of time; you end up doing about 10 or 11 laps (unless you're a speed monkey like G.). The carts are amazingly stable - they turn great and I think it'd take a lot to flip them, and the referees are pretty good about watching drivers and calling out the foolhardy. It takes a while to learn how to take corners and to get up the gumption to go full-out on the straight bits, but after a while I was zooming around pretty fast. You get a decent arm workout too, cranking that hard little steering wheel back and forth for 15 minutes straight - my biceps are kind of stiff today. We're totally going again next weekend.
Yeah, so my inner child is a 14-year old boy. What's your point?
Canine dental cleaning:
$200
Canine molar extraction:
$250
Canine exam/bloodwork/heartworm treatment/vaccines/all the other shit you're told you really oughtta have done to make sure a senior-citizen dog is tip-top:
$300 ($500, actually, but I put off a couple of tests when the tooth yanking came up)
Indy's worth to us:
Priceless (luckily for her)
OUCH!