The unfortunately-named T Reginald Gibbons wrote a hilarious piece on adequacy.org called Is Your Son a Computer Hacker?. It's really funny. If your son has "Programming with Perl" then he might be a hacker. If he wants you to change ISPs, he might be a hacker. If he uses "Lunix" and Quake, then he might be a hacker.

Very funny.

So I've been playing paintball lately. I started about three months ago when I found out that a coworker played regularly. I've always been interested in paintball. I guess it comes from having used firearms all my life. I dunno. But when I found out that I had a buddy to go with (who had a lot of experience and equipment; it's always funner to go with someone), I knew I was going to get into it.

And into it I am. I bought a gun of my own. (Range guns suck. It's axiomatic.) I felt that if I really wanted to play and enjoy myself, I should buy my own gun. I knew that if I played with those nasty rentals I wouldn't enjoy myself. And that's what it's all about: enjoyment, exercise, fun. Tangent: My dad once said that I should "never buy cheap boots". That's about a direct quote. I always thought he was being his normal weird self until I realized his point. If you spend all the time and money and whatnot to plan an outdoor trip (dad's a hunter, so I think of his advice in that context), why would you think of throwing it all down the drain by saving $100 on cheap boots? One blister is all it takes to ruin a very expensive week(end). And you don't have any fun, either. Waste money and not have fun. Hmmmmm. I think I'll buy expensive boots, thanks.

So I bought a gun right off the bat. I had quite a dilema: Which gun to get? I didn't want the $1700 high-end race gun, but I didn't want the $50 crap gun either. I wanted a good, useable, middle-of-the-road workable gun. Maybe I could upgrade a bit? Something that was reasonably accurate and sturdy, hopefully with low maintenance. After way too much online reasearch, I went with a Kingman Spyder TL+. I got a pretty good deal on it. I bought it at a local shop, although I paid a little more. I did that because I felt that if I bought it locally, then I could return it, bring it back in to ask questions, get the guys to recommend upgrades, etc. I felt that I could go in to the same shop, buy paintballs or whatever, and Chuck or Barry would remember me. I bought it locally for the same reason people go to local bookstores over Barnes & Noble. It's sometimes nice to pay for the luxury of being a customer, not a number.

(The trip to the paintball shop took three hours. I can try to recreate that moment. Pretend I pay my rent by getting you to buy extreme, colorful sports items and read on.)

But you can't just go from zero to paintballing with a $140 paintgun. No way. There are a lot more little (and not little) things you need. You need to get an elbow. It's a little plastic deal that connects the hopper to the gun. Get a clear one so you can see when the balls aren't feeding (meaning you give the gun a shake and watch 'em tumble back down in). Oh, that means you need a hopper. Yep, the Viewloader 200 is a good one. Costs like $10, holds 200 paintballs. Did you know that shots to the gun count as a shot against you? It's a fact. You get shot in the gun, you're out -- same as getting shot in head. Guess where most guns get hit at? Yep, the hopper. It's a big target which sticks up sometimes higher than your head. Well... there's a neoprene cover for hoppers that helps give you an edge because long shots, when the tricky angle of the hopper is combined with the springy material of the cover, will likely bounce right off. And balls have to break to count.

So you're gun has a hopper that can feed it. The balls have to get propelled somehow. For that you need a compressed gas. You can get a CO₂ tank for pretty cheap. But CO₂ is nasty. Much better is compressed air and if your buddy has a scuba tank with a fill station, then you esssentially get free air. No waiting in line to pay for crappy CO₂. You can fill between every match. But compressed air tanks cost a bit more. Like $70 for the PMI one. Why so much? Well, it's a little scuba tank. Even has a regulator, valve, pressure gauge and you have to get it hydrostatically tested and visually inspected just like a diving tank. And while you're at it, you might as well get a neoprene cover, nipple cover, spare o-rings and a thread cap for it. Another $30. And if you really want to make the gun's profile smaller and make it shoulder better, you need a drop forward. That lowers the tank a bit and brings it more towards the front of the gun. Smaller, in this case, is definitely better.

The best upgrade you can get on a paintball gun is a new barrel. The stock barrels fill only the most basic definition of a barrel: a tube. They aren't that great. The stock Sypder barrels are loud and inaccurate. The best aftermarket barrel for the money is a DYE Xcel. It's only $50 and works pretty well. You also need a barrel plug. Got to have that. Required. $3 for the plastic one. If you get a ball break, you'll need to clean out your barrel in a hurry. For that you need a straight shot squeegee (you better get a lanyard for it so it doesn't get lost). When you're really needing cleanliness, you need to swab out both the action and the barrel. So you should get a thing colloquially referred to as a "Wookie dick". Insert favorite joke here.

As for paintballs, you can get the real expensive stuff or the cheap, weekend warrior stuff. I recommend the el cheapo stuff unless you're pretending to play in the Olympics or something. Just make sure they fit your barrel. Buy RecSport paintballs locally, $45 for a case of 2000. No breakage during shipping. They fit the Xcel fine. You can get the black shelled ones that break pink.

(At this point, a word about why I prefer to shoot pink paint is is order. I like pink paint because nobody uses pink paint. Well, hardly nobody. I believe it's because all the kiddies think it might give them a homoerotic connotation. It's hard enough to be 16 and trying to look tough without having to suffer jibes about pink paint. Pink is very un-extreme. Which is great for me. I don't give even one twentieth of a shit what the boys think about my sexual proclivities, but I really like being able to see where my paint broke from very far away [the hot pink being much more visible than the green or blue or dull yellow favored by the Mt. Dew crowd]. And I love being able to yell to the ref during a paintcheck that the d00d with the rad anodized paint gun has a big pink spot on his head, and yes I know it for certain because I'm shooting pink paint and, you bet, I was the guy that put the pink to him in the first place. In any case, comments about my choice of paint color get fewer as the day goes on. "My pink paint is 'gay'? Really now? It's just that it looks so very fetching on you..." OK, back to the paintball store. Pardon my digression.)

So what else do we have left? Hmmm... OH! You don't want to lose an eye do you? Ok, good. That means you need to buy a mask (since rental goggles not only suck as bad as rental guns, they also let you smell the last occupant's lunch). Like everything else, you can deal with the low-end products or get something that will let you enjoy yourself. And this isn't a place you should scrimp. If you can't see (or worse, get hurt) you can't play. (Note to self: Think of dad's cheap boots and not what the tally is so far.) So that means you have to get a mask with an anti-fog lens. Which is more expensive, naturally. The mask that has the best viewing and the best protection is the V-Force Shield. It's not cheap, but not high-end either. The best part is the drop-down neck protector. It has a chin strap too, but that's dubiously useful.

I bet you don't know the worst place to get hit? Well, maybe the groin area is the most painful, but not really. There's lots of protection (clothing, being hunched over or behind something, running, etc) down there, so getting nutshot is rare. No, the worst place is in the knuckles, because the bone always gets hit (less fleshy padding == more pain) and you get hit there a lot. Why? It's simply a matter of availability. The gun, by nature, sticks out towards the enemy. You hold the gun up in front of your face, which also sticks out. Your hands are holding the gun and your first set of joints, 95% of the time, are out in front of all that. So you get it in that first set of knuckles a lot. What can you do? Why buy gloves of course! Best $10 you'll ever spend.

You might also want to think about shoes. There's the running part of paintball. So think soccer or football. Don't get normal tennis shoes unless you have to, because you'll slip and/or twist something. Don't wear big boots because it's like being tied to to the ground. You'll wear your thighs out as well. You can maybe get by with light hiking boots though. But the best is high-top football cleats. Lightweight and lots of traction. Remember, most movement in paintball is sprinting.

You also need pants. Well, you don't *need* them since jeans will work, but like I said, it's all about sprinting and crouching. So big and baggy is best if you want to have fun. "Official" paintball paints have a loose fit and pockets for all your gizmos. The JT Pro Series pants also have another great feature: the lower legs zip off, which means you don't get your car muddy and painty. Why would you get anything but dusty? You're just running around in the dirt, right? You should be able to simply dust off and get into your new Lincoln without fear of mussing the white leather. Sometimes, but not always. Think about it: paintballs are water-based. People on paintball fields all tend to hide in the same places. So they got shot in the same places, and they spill/drop/whatever their ammo in those places, and they kneel down with their painted, grimy knees in those places. And these places they hide in almost always have little depressions and divets from all the scratching about. So any amount of moisture -- atmospheric or paintball-based -- collects right where you'll put your knees, shins, and ass. And it should go without saying that since there's all that movement there's no grass down there, just dirt. Dirt + wet + paint = colored mud. Your lower half will not only be wet and painted, it'll be wet and painted with paint-based mud. Being able to zip off the lower half and then sit on a towel means less trips to the auto detailing joint. Unless, of course, you like changing your pants in public in which case you can wear anything you like as long as you bring spare drawers.

What will hurt most after you play all day for the first time? It won't be those silver dollar-sized bruises on your sides, arms and neck. Those sting at first, but they look much nastier than they feel. What will really hurt is your knees unless you buy kneepads. Like a broken record, this is. Say it with me: "The cheap stuff will be something you put up with, the good stuff won't get in your way and will let you enjoy yourself." So you can get the low-bid kind that will chafe the backs of your knees with ill-fitting velcro, or you can get the kevlar-laden kind that would make Robocop jealous. $15 for pain, $70 for bulletproof. Since you're a neophyte, I'd recommend something in the middle of those two.

Ok, all this good stuff. One more question: do you know who the pros aim at most often? Newbies. How can they tell you're a newbie? Because you're wearing your daddy's wooland camo fatigues in a paintball field that consists of brown dirt and old cable spools. Military camo doesn't hide you very well unless you are in a forest. If you're trying to hide amidst a bunch of orange obstacles or colorful blow-up bunkers while looking like a tree, then you aren't hidden very well are you? Most regular players can also tell that you aren't an expert by how you play, but at very least you don't want to advterise that fact before the match even starts. Best way around this? Get an according-to-Hoyle paintball jersey. (Nothing is a "real" sport until it has its own jersey.) Best camo in paintball is to look like everyone else. The nail that sticks up gets hammered down, and wearing woodland pattern when everyone else is extreme is a good way to stick up. Just because you are a n00b doesn't mean you have to look like a n00b.

So that should be about everything you need to start off in the wonderful world of paintball. Like that sign by the front door said, "Warning: Addiction Zone Ahead". If only the first one was free...

Tally, bagging, payment went like this:

Woof, heavy. $600? :::cough cough cough:::

Well, that's about how my three hour tour was. I ended up getting almost everything I needed, and I certainly paid for that right. But I want to have a good time. That's the whole point, isn't it? Get exercise, get outdoors, have fun. I needed an hobby that didn't involve a chair and a keyboard. My ass is getting larger without me actively (get it?) trying to help it. It was all worth it. I felt like a rube buying into everything he was laying down, but I didn't get anything I didn't need and so far everything has worked pretty well. It was handy having someone there who knew what the scoop was. Online research for a couple weeks helped as well. I've had fun, too. I went out six weekends in a row, and almost my whole company is going next weekend. My wife is even into it (she's really good, too; better then me, actually). I feel like I got my money's worth, far more so than any 12 video games I've bought or occasional computer part. It's fun to be active again.

Well, another day of "down time". I'm filling in a shift at the colo for one of my company's operators. She's going to LISA 2001 and I'm bored in the NOC. So it's time for news. Joy!

If you are looking for a good web usage statistics package, take a look at The Webalizer. It's very nice. Installation is what first attracted me to it: you unzip a file, make a symlink to a shorter name (optional, but a habit), and point it at the location of your log file. It works with any log rotation system because when it goes through your logfile, it makes its own database. That means when your logs get rotated out, your old usage data are still there. No need to keep large log files around.

I usually set it up to go run via cron. Here's a typical way to do it:

15 1 * * * /home/wee/webalizer/webalizer -o /home/wee/html/usage /var/log/httpd/access_log > /dev/null 2>&1

That would run webalizer at 1:15 every morning against the log file at /var/log/httpd/access_log and place the output in /home/wee/html/usage.

The graphs and such that you get are another nice thing. Everything is viewable via a web browser. Webalizer makes an index page which lists every month that it has info for, and then links to sub-pages for each month. The monthly usage pages have information like visits, hits, traffic graphed by hour, referers, etc. If it's in your logs files, then it's in the graphs.