They cancelled the Golden Globes. CANCELLED!! THE GOLDEN GLOBES!!!!
Someone hand me a paper bag; I think I'm hyperventilating. Damn you, Writer's Strike! I mean, I want the writers to have the moneys and all - but shit, man, now they're messing with my awards show season, and that's just wrong in all the ways that wrong can be.
Yeah, I know I never did the Oscar recap. I know! There are several equally lame reasons why this is the case:
- I was out of town the weekend of the Oscars, and the day we got back, our kitchen remodelling began; so I was distracted and didn't get around to watching the TiVo'd version for a while.
- Even when I started watching it, I sort of ended up watching it in little chunks, so it took me a while to get through, especially since it ran long.
- I forgot to set the TiVo to catch the Red Carpet pre-show stuff, and that's at least half the fun, since that's when we get to cast judgement people's fashion choices (I confess that my opinion of a lot of the lady-stars' outfits seems to often boil down to "on a scale of Penthouse to National Geographic, how does the outfit make her rack look?" Everything else is peripheral.).
- By the time I got through it, I realized that it was one of the most boring award shows I've ever witnessed, and I was uninspired to write about most of what I saw, and besides, it seemed like I'd be coming to the party way too late.
Yes, I took notes, but they're sparse. Still, I guess in the interests of closure, I'll throw out a few half-assed comments:
- I thought Ellen DeGeneres did a pretty sweet job as host - she stuck to her folksy, gee-whiz shtick, and I think it's good she didn't try to employ any of the kind of edgy, roast-style humor that prior hosts have used to variable success.
- I liked the concept of the special-effects chorus, but they were way too hard to hear.
- It's fun, on TiVo, when you fast-forward while the winners are walking up to the podium, and everyone starts clapping really fast. This was about the most thrilling experience I had during this show.
- How was James McAvoy not ever cast as a Hobbit? Dude, he should totally be young Bilbo Baggins! Who do I call for that now that Peter Jackson's been cut out of the gig?
- I thought the silhoutte dance troupe thing was clever. They did penguins! And Snakes on a Plane! And the shoe for Devil Wears Prada - the shoe with the pitchfork heel. Awesome.
- Ben Affleck must sure be proud of the way Matt Damon's career has taken off. Damned proud. As goddamned proud as a guy can be whose crappy agent just hasn't been pounding the boards hard enough lately to score some decent offers although it doesn't really matter because he's totally working on a kick-ass screenplay and he's been happy to have more time to spend with his baby girl anyway so why doesn't everyone back the fuck off with all the talk about career tailspins, alright? Fuck Damon and his sellout spy-movie franchise!
- The screenwriter montage was pretty awesome. Then again, what topic is easier for writers to write about than writing?
- The Ellen Oscar Bjorn was pretty funny. It reminded me of the wine glass sling they give out at wine festivals. Which is one of the awesomest inventions ever, since it lets you devote one hand for snacks and one hand to money. God, I love food and wine festivals. Anyway. Funny.
- If Children of Men couldn't win for cinematography, I'm glad Pan's Labyrinth did. But dammit, CofM still should've won. Robbed, that movie was this year.
- Clint Eastwood introduces Ennio Marconi, king of the spaghetti western soundtrack: "Who wouldn't want to ride into town with music like that behind him?" (Upon hearing the distinctive warbly score for 'A Fistful of Dollars':) "You know what's great? I'm in this movie!" Plus: who knew Eastwood could throw down with some extemporanous Italian translation? Pretty impressive for a (still hot) senior citizen.
- I'm really sad that Robert Altman is dead.
OK, that's about all I feel like saying about that. Not a stellar Oscar year, all told. Here's hoping someone, somewhere, is poised to bring back a little of the good old fashioned Crazy, or at least the Charmingly Eccentric, to next year's show.
The Golden Globes are fun because they're not nearly as formal and portentious as the Oscars, but they're still taken (possibly too) seriously by the industry, mostly because they're seen as a bellweather for Academy voting trends. They're big enough so that all the stars show up, but there's booze and food and lots of milling around at the tables, so people are more relaxed and potentially silly. There is a LOT of drinking at the GG's, God bless 'em.
Pre-show - Live from Red Carpet:
Pre-show bullshit interviews, blah blah blah. E! hosts are, to a soul, vapid and tedious. I wish they'd get that hilarious shit-stirring bitch Kathy Griffin back on the line.
Extensions. Overdone. I'm very tired of all the fake hair. It's all so Paris Hilton.
Speaking of hair, Jennifer Love Hewitt's crazy oversized up-do is making her look like the love child of Sigourney Weaver and an Alien. An extra set of projectile jaws should be snapping out at Seacrest's face as they chat. She should be vomiting acid onto his shoes. Implanting some overgrown fanged maggot in his solar plexus. Even her dress is glossy and bug-brown. Like an alien carapace. Hewitt, you'd better hope Bill Paxton doesn't catch sight of you, because he might just up and decide to catch a breather from all the Mormom wife-bangin' and take up bug-hunting again, and then there will be trouble.
Vanessa Williams - wow, lady, did you have a bad fright right before the show? Did someone from PETA threaten you and that ugly fur capelet thing of yours with a big bucket of Ralph Lauren Hunting Coat Red or something? If not, then what else could possibly explain the follicular supernova you're sporting on the back half of your head? Yeesh.
Hayden Panettiere has a jumbo piece of film wrapped around her waist. I know, I know, the dress is getting a lot of good feedback, but I think the middle bit's weird. Love the box purse with the little mirror flap on it, though.
Sienna Miller - the gown is actually OK, for once - but oh Lord, the Swiss-Miss-Goes-Bohemian hairdo.... Aw hell, should I even bother making fun of it? Kind of low-hanging fruit, really.
Why does Patricia Arquette persist in believing that her most flattering hairstyle is the one that's an homage to Max Headroom? Why can't she ever seem to get her hair-and-outfit mojo rising? And as for her sister Rosanna - lady, there are matrons in the Heartland that would not only declare that dress "too frumpy to wear in public", but also refuse to even use the lace for table doilies. Could you please both let your sister-in-law choose your outfits for you next time? She may not be able to act her way out of a paper sack on her new show, but she does know how to dress.
The kids from "Little Miss Sunshine" are awesome. Little Abagail Breslin kills me. She seems completely comfortable and unaffected by all the to-do, although you'd think that would just be overwhelming for a kid. She totally deflected Seacrest's insipid question about "there will be so many big stars here - Brangelina - who are you excited to see tonight?" by giving him sort of a "Meh, whatever" look then saying, "Wait hold on, watch this, you have to see this!", and showing off the same type of little purse with the mirror on the outside that Hayden was displaying before... There was nothing inside; but she was totally non-embarrassed by that, because, duh, "none of her stuff would fit". What was her stuff, anyway? Anyway, she's cute as a button and makes that preternaturally-poised Dakota Fanning kid look like a trained seal.
I love seeing the stars hovering in the background trying hard not to look like they're embarrassed to be standing in line to talk to E! so that they can log some air-time for their borrowed finery. Clothes whores!
Even Tina Fey is advertising her meager assets with one of those dresses. You know of which I speak. Seriously, sternums are totally the best accessory this season. She looks great - I'm not much in love with her show, but I think she's awesome.
Oh, Ellen Pompeo, there are so many solutions out there for THO management. Didn't you know it was going to be chilly tonight?
Dane Cook - is his fame timer @ 14:59 yet? Please?
Chandra Wilson has rallied. The Purple Pantsuit Incident is forgotten; tonight she is elegant, voluptuous and glam. Nice mulligan, lady.
Speaking of rallying - Felicity Huffman's dress is, honestly, about the best one I've seen this night. The deep peacock color is gorgeous, and the style is so much more flattering than the vampy lowcut stuff. Another rally.
I keep thinking Eric Dane is Leonardo DiCaprio.
Well, of course Angelina and Brad are perfect. Boringly, smugly flawless. Aloof, terse Angelina could not be trying harder to shed the last vestiges of the old chick who used to wear a tube of hillbilly blood around her neck and talk about the myriad joys of wielding sharp knives in bed. Listen, Jolie, a few short years ago you looked like fucking Morticia Addams and you were making out with your brother on camera. We the viewing audience are like elephants, chica. We don't forget. Sure, people are allowed to mature and change. However, St. Angie, just know that we're patiently waiting for your Crazy to pop back up. Where there's faith, there's hope.
OK, Reese Witherspoon looks hot. I am so glad to see her vamping it up a little - it's precisely what she needed to do right now. That canary-yellow dress is bold and attention-grabbing, a definite departure from her more restrained vintage-couture look of recent years, and she's rocking an ultra-sexy haircut to go with it. Well-played! Mama is back on the market, and hotness is the best revenge.
I love Kate Winslet. I could listen to her talk all day. She's the heir apparent to Helen Mirren and Judy Dench. Fabulous.
OK, I'll give it to Renee Zellweger - she doesn't look nearly as much as usual like a drowned corpse in couture. She too is wearing a version of that rich peacock-greenish-blue color I'm seeing a lot of tonight.
Beyonce. What's with the Solid Gold Slut gown? Ick.
Cameron's dress, as usual, is a little too weird to work. Too many little clashing accents going on with the one perky chiffon shoulder-strap and the ribbon and the sequin belty thing. If you dropped all the unneccesary embellishments, it'd be fine. As is, though? Thumbs down.
Drew Barrymore looks good. Her dangerous bodice beasts are safely in captivity this year, thankfully.
Even Helen Mirren's doing the Sternum Flash (with optional dark peacock color - all she's lacking is the thin belt with sparkly buckle that's another recurring theme of the night. Someone's stylist is on the trends like a hen on eggs). However, it doesn't bug me as much on her because I'm pretty impressed she can still pull it off.
Award Show:
Best Original Song in a M.P.:
Prince did a theme song for cartoon? Honestly? Well, I'll be. And he won. But is not there to collect. Why am I not surprised? What's surprising is that the Artist Formerly Known as Symbol didn't send some tarted-up, purple-clad lady protege out there to accept on his behalf, a la Marlon Brando and his squaw. OK, the thing where Timberlake crouched down to accept on Prince's behalf was mildly amusing. However, I was still distracted by the dude's blatantly squared-off eyebrow waxing. Seriously, ask for a little blending next time.
Least Humorous Performance by A Female, aka Best Female in A TV Series Drama:
Kyra Sedgwick clearly didn't expect to win this one - she's definitely an "always the bridesmaid" sort. Good for her. So this year's euphemism for agent, manager, publicist, lawyer, etc. is "the team", apparently. Go team!
Best Actor, TV Series Drama:
I like how Hugh Laurie remembered to go back and kiss his lady. Wise man. Hilarious acceptance speech. Thumbs up.
Seeing that 40-something blond "ballroom correspondant" chick from E! - Nancy O'Dell, that's her name - wearing the plunging dressfront has most definitely caused this trend to jump the shark for me, and we're only a short way into the season. Gah. Too much side-boob! I can't take it anymore!
Best Actress - Motion Picture Musical or Comedy:
It bugs me when nominees clap for themselves during the roll call. I never even heard of the Miss Potter movie with Zellweger's up for. Regardless, Meryl Streep takes it. Yet again. Really, like Meryl NEEDED another award? She must have a whole other house just to hold the statues. Can we just give her an all-time Awesomest Actress Ever Award and disqualify her from future running? It's really not fair. Zellweger is misting up. She's so disappointed. But did she really think she had a shot in this category? No one even saw her movie. For real, if anyone should be crying, it should be Toni Collette. They haven't shown her, but I bet she's holding it together. OK, all that being said, Meryl does always give good speech. She just made an excellent point about how, obviously, the wide distribution of her flick contributed to its success vs. smaller and less publicized films that deserved more attention, and the need to communicate with our local theaters about what we want to see. So OK, sometimes it's worth her getting yet another award just to hear what she has to say.
Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture:
Hey, hold the phone and check out the audience camera pan. There, behind Eddie Murphy? That's fucking Prince! Hey, Prince? Did you notice you won an award earlier? And that the general guideline is to accept said award yourself if you happen to have shown up? Wha....?
I have some catching up to do before the Oscars/Emmys, without doubt. There are several actors in the mix I've never heard of.
Best TV Series Comedy:
Oh, look how excited the Ugly Betty crew is. They're a raucous bunch. I'm actually a little verklempt for them. Now I need to start watching it.
Jamie Foxx just gave Prince a shout-out, and yet, no camera shot. Are they not allowed to film him? What the hell is the deal?
Best Foreign Language Film:
It just seems weird that Letter From Iwo Jima is winning when it's barely even released domestically (it came out in limited release on Christmas)... And yet, Children of Men was in the same situation and didn't get dick. Bah.
What the jive-talking Jesus is up with Hugh Grant's hair? It looks like he let some mentally challenged kids loose on it with some mousse and a hairdryer. That whole tousled look is about 5-7 years stale.
Ah, apparently Prince was stuck in traffic when they gave out his award. OK then. Next time, Pimp Dandy... Less primping, more hustling.
Best Actress - TV Comedy or Musical:
Ugly Betty takes it. America Ferrera. She should win just for her name. And... let the weeping begin. Heh. OK, she's making me a little weepy, with all her talk about the regular girls who write her and say that her character inspires them. Audience pan of all the teary eyes. Ha, she's making everyone cry. Word to the girls-with-great-personalities of the world!
Warren Beatty is still kinda hot. Batty, but hot.
OK. who didn't tamp down Reese's hair for her before she went out? What is with the overly-mussed hair on these presenters - ooh, or could it be that Reese and Hugh were making out in some dark corner behind the scenes? Hmm.
Actor - Motion Picture:
So Borat wins. And we finally get to hear Sacha Baron Cohens' unaltered voice. And he proceeds to talk mostly about... balls and ass. Righteous.
Movie- Comedy or Musical:
Dreamgirls wins? That's... Wow. Bill: "So some old gay Jewish guy wins an award for a film about a black girl group?" Tess: "... and that's Hollywood."
TV Series: Gray's Anatomy - great, so we have to keep hearing about McFuckingDreamy for the foreseeable future.
Actor - Motion Picture Drama:
Forrest Whittaker. Baby, what a big surprise! I saw him on the Actor's Studio and he seems like a very cool guy. Very intelligent and introspective, a true chameleon of an actor despite his unusual looks.
OK, I'm done here. A bit underwhelming, the whole affair, and the overabundance of camera cuts to that hammy old rascal Jack Nicholson made me think that it was him getting the lifetime award, not Beatty. Anyway, there were a couple of pretty good speeches and a small but pleasing smattering of crazy fashion choices. And I definitely think Reese Witherspoon and Hugh Grant should get it on if they aren't already.
We commence our awards show season with the People's Choice Awards.
The producers of The PCA's are shrewd schedulers. They know that they need to be the first show on the scene in a given year if they have even a halfway shot at some decent Nielsen ratings. The PCA's are the warm-up lap of the awards show races. They are the Rodney Dangerfield of entertaiment accolades. Little girls, upon winning the title role of Little Orphan Annie in their first community theater production, don't lay in their beds that night starry-eyed and dreaming of the moment when they'll be on stage holding a ginormous, dangerous-looking hunk of glass with a couple of hands floating inside of it - looking for all the world like something you'd see advertised in the back of Parade magazine as a Lennox Limited Edition Jesus' Healing Hands of Prayer Crystal Sculpture, yours for only 36 easy installments of $9.99 +S&H - and sobbing, "You! The people! You've chosen me! You love me!" If you see a PCA recipient wielding a tissue while they're expressing their gratitude, it'll be because they have post-nasal drip, or else the blow habit is getting a little off the hook.
For the actors, writers and producers, it's a blip on the radar screen - the first twinkling indication of how their productions are going to fare when the larger awards come along. And yet, let's face it, no one in Hollywood really cares what The People vote for... At least, not that segment of people who volunteer to go to a website and click on their favorites from a pre-compiled list based on national ratings averages, box-office grosses, and album sales. The PCA voters are strictly civilian pop-culture sheep. They are neither industry insiders like the Screen Actors' Guild or the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, nor high-profile industry outsiders such as the New York Film Critics Circle or the overinflated but inexplicably relevant parasites who call themselves the Foreign Press Association. The only "people" votes that matter were already provided with wallets or TV viewership throughout the year, and the PCA's are, simply, an excuse to generate publicity and ad revenue for its sponsors.
This is also the time of year for designers to begin courting celebrities who will pimp their couture for the cameras, and the PCA's are an opportunity to trial-run their designs - although the event is such a minor one that no one, not even E! Entertainment Channel, sees fit to waste airtime on the red carpet arrivals. (During this year's show, they had a brief segue halfway through the broadcast with Steven Coju... Cujo... Cockatoo... Whatever the hell that freak's name is, harrassing the celebs as they came in - but not long enough to really get a gander at the fashions. Which, for me, represents a big chunk of the entertainment value of the whole awards show experience. Yet another way in which the PCA's underperform.) However, I was able to glean some small observations from the audience pans and, of course, presenters and accepters of awards.
On that note, without further adieu, let's dig into my recaps (presented, as with past recaps, solely in the form of bulletized talking points - if you really care about context, you're mostly out of luck):
- Queen Latifah is the host - hmm, interesting faux snakeskin pattern on that dress of hers. I have to hand it to her undergarment rigging crew - they have her secured like the President's declared a Threat Level Red on backfat.
- Latifah's conducting quite a hugathon with the audience. That little boy she accosted looked downright fearful of getting crushed to death in her ample bosom. Gah, she had to go and call Dempsey "McDreamy". Goddamned McDreamy. I don't even watch that show, and I'm sick as hell of that lame nickname. Enough, I say! Whichever of that show's writers McDreamed up that McFucking McNickname should be McBeaten to within a McInch of their McSorry McLife.
- And here, with Felicity Huffman, we get into one of the first fashion trends I'm noticing this year - scrawny white chicks in dresses with navel-grazing necklines. Oh Felicity, I like you just fine and you're a sexy lady even though you were a little too good at portraying a transvestite; however, you need to know that despite what the fashion industry is trying to sell you, that leather-bound shoehorn wedged between your nipples is not an acceptable substitute for cleavage. You could open beer bottles on that sternum of yours. Here's a primer: Breasts = soft and curvy. Breastbone = hard and scary.
- LL Cool J's wearing a English tweed ivy cap. Did I miss something... When exactly did he get a British peerage? Should we be calling him Lord Cool J now? Was he fox-hunting before the show?
- So I know "Funny Male Star" winner Robin Williams has completed rehab, but has he split up from his wife? He brought his noticably unenthused daughter Zelda as his date, and he's dry-humping every other female who gets near him - first Latifah during her celebrity-hug session, then poor Halle Berry on stage. (Why do men think that when they're handed an award from Halle Berry, they're also getting carte blanche to sexually assault her? Would anyone do that shit to Nicole Kidman?). He shouted out to the "women in his life", but the only specific ones he mentioned were his mom and Zelda, who just looks pissed off. Then again, if my dad was behaving on national TV like a dog who's eaten his owner's entire bottle of Viagra, I'd be a little vexed as well.
- Our second torso-exposing blonde, and winner of the Best Use Of Double-Sided Tape In An Awards Ensemble Award: Emily Proctor. The rest of the dress sucks - it's got all the flattering tailoring of one of those square holiday gift bags that's been ripped open down the front.
- "Female Star - Movies": Jennifer Aniston. How nice of the people to throw her a crystal bone after her annus horribilis (no "what's so horrible about her anus?" jokes, please. -ed.) Quote: "Thank you for loving 'The Break-Up' - I did". Double-entendre - suh-nap-pay! Which breakup, though? I hope Vince out there in the audience isn't feeling like you just punked him in front of everyone. Anyway, on another note, let it be said that I'm so glad to see that she's gained back a little weight - just enough so that her upper arms aren't concave anymore. It suits her, and she looks hotter than ever.
- Note to Christina Appelgate: chiffon bodices should be fitted. If they're loose, and you're midway through your 30's, then even if that's not your actual boobflesh flapping limply over the ribbon around your ribcage? People may assume. That's all I'm saying.
- Johnny Depp, "Male Star - Movies" winner, what up with the repetitive scalp scratching while you're remote-accepting your award? I know you live in France, where soap and soap-related products are strictly for export and not something the locals believe in - but the magic of the Internet is such that a nice, big bottle of Head and Shoulders is a mere double-click away. Select the expedited shipping, dude. The Golden Globes will be here sooner than you think.
- Skeet Ulrich - the budget Depp. Good to see he's getting work again.
- Ashley Scott - why, a blond with a belly-cut gown. How fresh! Ulrich is totally angling to ogle her well-ventilated rack as they go through their spiel. Oh, bless.
- The hell is that chick from Gray's Anatomy wearing? Chandra Wilson is her name. Seems like a nice lady and all. But that lavender satin pantsuit with the tunic flaring like a ballerina skirt over her generous hips is doing a short, plump gal like her no favors whatsoever. I keep thinking, "Lollypop Guild". Who is your stylist, lady? Fire them, tuit-suite!
- It still freaks me out that Howie Mandel has no hair anymore. And hoops in both ears. I keep thinking he should be wearing harem pants and a short vest, and granting wishes or giving housewives advice on how to make their linoleum sparkle or something.
- Cameron Diaz has gone goth! A reasonable reactionary switch-up in style after breaking up with the *NSync R&B white-boy wonder, I guess.
- I'm glad Ellen won for best talk-show host, punking Oprah; in the world of daytime talk show hosts, she's one of the few I don't find completely self-important and annoying. How cute that she brought two of her fans with her on stage, and let them tote their cameras with them. Although, what better way to underscore the total lack of interest recipients feel about winning this award than to turn it into a fangirl photo op? I almost feel bad for the show's producers.
- Rascal Flats ("Best Song - Movie") - country boys doing a pretty good job... of not looking like country boys. This is not a bad thing.
- Cameron claims in her "Leading Lady - Movies" acceptance chat (I can't really call anything people say on this stage tonight a "speech") that everyone in the business does it 100% for the people. That's sweet. It's also total bunk, but really the only platitude someone accepting a PCA award can offer up that makes them sound like they halfway care.
- Ugh, this show is pretty bloody dull, I have to confess. At least at other minor events like the MTV Movie Awards, the audience and producers are all in on the inconsequentiality of the thing (the statue's a big gilded bucket of popcorn, for God's sake), and they have fun with it. Come on, people! Where are the funny tongue-in-cheek speeches? The pranks? The hijinks? Are you all still hung over from New Year's? I'm guessing half of them probably forgot they even had to come to this thing until their assistants reminded them, like, the day before when the outfits showed up. "Oh yeah, that... Ugh, christ. Yeah, I guess I'll still go." They had nothing better to do on a Tuesday night, and at least they could network/gossip during the quite frequent commercial breaks.
- OK, I know a lot of gals are wearing short skirts and this fact practically begs for a Britney underwear joke - but more than three in one night is enough. It's played. Let's leave it alone now. Ooh, Tom Rothman (or whoever reads his mail for him) is gonna be teh Pissed at "Female Action Star" winner Halle for telling a million slobbering geeks to write him about making yet another X-Men movie. "Dood, U got 2 do xMeN4 bcuz it roolz!!!!1"
- I must start watching Heroes. Why am I not watching Heroes? This is a grave oversight. I blame Bill.
- That Hannah Montana chick has unreasonably long skinny legs. Spider legs. Crazy spider legs. She's a teen Shelob.
- Justin Timberlake, "R&B Song" Winner. Is Ray Charles not rolling over in his grave? I ask you. OK, maybe not for this award, but still.
- Eva Longoria, "Female Star - TV" - "I think it's unfair I won, I have a big Mexican family and I think they all voted twice. " Heh.
- Vince Vaughan ("Leading Man - Movies") looks awful! So pale, so grim. Someone check for puncture marks on his neck. Or maybe just knife marks in his back from where Jennifer stuck him with their recent split. You know it wasn't him calling that business off, and clearly he's pretty goddamned depressed even though they're both working overtime to sell the "We're still great friends!" schtick to the world at large. Or maybe he's just profoundly, epically hung over and can't be bothered to hide the fact for the People. His demeanor, the ennui with which he accepted the final award of the evening, and the get-the-fucking-camera-out-of-my-face-already look he had while walking out of the auditorium just about perfectly sums up how everyone seems to feel about these awards. Even Queen Latifah couldn't bring herself to be anything but blandly congenial throughout the show. Boooooring. I'm glad to be putting this one to bed.
Next up: Golden Globes! There's where the rubber will really be meeting the road on this tour...
Tonight marks the advent of Award Show Season with our first televised gala, the People's Choice Awards.
Now, if you've read this crap I write here for a while, you know that Tess loves her award shows (so much so that I have to declare it in the third person just to keep from collapsing in verklemptitude on my keyboard). They are my Super Bowl, my Wimbledon, my Final Episode of American Idol OMG!!!1... They complete me. I can't say exactly why. Is it the fancy pre-show fashion parade? The thrill of artistic competition? The sheer concentration of overstyled, solipsistic stardom packed into in a confined, tense, intoxicant-drenched, velvet-lined powder keg? Or D, all of the above? I think D.
The girls at Go Fug Yourself have my dream job. They are my Elvises (Elvisi? Elviras?), and I could never aspire to their heights of catty cleverness. None the less, here's my resolution for 2007: I'll be watching every award show I can manage to TiVo, and I'll take notes and provide my editorial recaps of the action here. That is my promise to you - all three of you, my devoted readers. In fact, I'm even going to create a new entry category here on MG for "Award Shows" (as well as flagging my past recaps with same for easy reference). That's how much I feel, feel for you baby.
As resolutions go, it's not exactly up there with "run a marathon" or "start a charity" or even "floss every night"... But it's a goal toward which to work, and that's really all a resolution is about, right? That's what I thought.
OK, you crazy little monkeys, clearly you have extracted every last bit of juice out of the previous post, so here's a fresh one for you to suck on.
Right, then, what to discuss? How about the SAG awards? Not nearly as entertaining as the Golden Globes, I'm sorry to say. Were people less drunk? Or just hoarding the high-grade Crazy for the Oscars? A girl can dream... Plus I was playing around with polymer clay while I was watching, so I wasn't as vigilant as I might otherwise have been. None the less, a few snippets were noted, and these I share with you now:
- The way Jake Gyllenhaal was bedroom-eyeing Alfre Woodward when she stopped to chat with him on the Red Carpet, I was expecting him to just throw her down and cover her in hickeys. I'm seriously surprised she made it out of the E! interview area without at least a little Gyllenhaal DNA clinging to her. But then he gave Ryan Seacrest the same come-hither look. Basically, he looks at everyone that way. Except Heath Ledger, of course, because IT WAS JUST A MOVIE THEY'RE STILL TOTALLY STRAIGHT DUDES AND DID NOT ENJOY THE LOVE SCENES OKAY?!
- Wow, Patty Arquette doesn't look even one bit nutty. I wonder what's wrong?
- Hilary Swank apparently decided to deal with any potential tear-blotting requirements during the awards by wearing a dress with a tissue dispenser built right into the bodice. Clever thinking, Hil!
- Yay for a "Lost" ensemble win! Uh, Naveen Andrews just kissed Dominic Monaghan on the lips. The Gyllenhaal Free Love Effect is pervasive!
- Terry O'Quinn was the right choice for the "Lost" cast's acceptance speech. Is it weird that I think he's a little hot?
- Junebug? Buh?
- The G.F.L.E. continues as we pan to Eva Longoria cuddling on Marcia Cross' lap. By the end of the broadcast I fully expect there to be a naked mosh pit in the middle of the auditorium.
- Samuel L. Jackson is a welcome sight at any event, but somehow he just wasn't the right choice of presenter for the "In Memoriam" portion of the evening. Canned solemnity just doesn't work coming from him - same reason his performance as a Jedi in the "Star Wars" prequels fell so flat.
- OK, I'm watching the Housewives walk up to the stage to accept their ensemble award, and whatever the chick who plays Teri Hatcher's daughter said on the Red Carpet about how "despite what you hear, everyone just gets along great! No, really!", any woman who's had to play nice in public with another woman they loathe recognizes the body language these bitches are speaking... There is CLEARLY some shit going down between Teri and Marcia and/or Eva. Felicity, bless her heart, is trying to be all Switzerland and keep herself wedged between the combatants. What I wouldn't give for news of a big, drunken, hair-pulling catfight at the after-party.
- And why did they make that poor, nervous boy give the DH acceptance speech? I thought he was going to burst into tears of mortification at his own tongue-tied bumbling. Just have Felicity do it, she's an old hand at this point.
- A Lifetime Acting Achievement Award for Shirley Temple, a gal who stopped acting before she could legally vote - i.e., a geologic era ago? Granted, she did some fine diplomatic work later in life and that's a form of acting in itself, but still kind of a wacky choice. Even she seemed to be a little confused as to why she was up there accepting the award. "Um, sure... Whatever! Free dinner! Thanks!"
- Well, right on for S. Epatha Merkerson getting the Triple Crown (or Hat Trick, as Benjamin Bratt put it, and thanks to him for my now knowing what that means - see, awards shows can be learning experiences too!) - Emmy, Golden Globe and now SAG - for her "Lackawanna Blues" performance. Hah, and she thanked her divorce lawyer in the acceptance speech. Sah-NAP!
- Do you have HBO? If so, have you seen "Lackawanna Blues"? Because really, very good movie. They're showing it again now, so check it out if you can.
- Gyllenhaal and Ledger give an award together, and they could not have been trying harder to project invisible force fields around themselves as they walked to the podium. Dudes, we realize you don't really want to bone each other in real life. Ledger went so far as to sire a baby with his female costar to nail down the point (so to speak). We GET IT. Relax. The G.F.L.E. buzz in the room is officially killed now. Thanks alot.
All in all, not the most exciting event... It provided an excuse for parking on the couch drinking Asti Spumante all night, however, and that's enough for me.
Because I've already sent in my unemployment insurance application (a mere 8 months late; go Tess!), more or less finished my homework, am awaiting callbacks on job leads, and wish to avoid doing laundry for at least another 15 minutes, I present to you my half-assed recap of the Golden Globes:
- Johnny Depp looked bathed, for a change! Dressed like a Mexican gigolo, and still in denial vis-a-vis his inability to grow luxuriant facial hair, but it's progress.
- Poor Mariah Carey - having Hilary Swank onscreen in a similar strappy-black dress right before her own interview only highlighted the fact that she was popping out in all the wrong places from hers. Pit-fat is not our friend, Mariah. Next time, consider chiffon, and sleeves.
- Speaking of Hilary Swank, is it really cool to bring up someone's freshly-announced divorce on the Red Carpet? I think not, but HS handled it gracefully none the less. What's next, asking Rosario Dawson some cheeky questions about her DUI? I wouldn't recommend it - she strikes me as someone who'd have zero qualms about bitch-slapping someone right there on the Red Carpet.
- Oh my, was that a sequined potato sack that Philip Seymour Hoffman's wife was wearing? She seems like a cute gal, but really, no one looks good in that style, and the shorter you are, the worse an idea it is.
- I think Queen Latifah is beautiful, but man, seeing the way her dress straps were carving grooves into her shoulders made mine ache in sympathy. That's gonna leave a mark.
- Scarlett Johansson should wear her hair down more often. She looks her age for once.
- Apparently, Rachel Weisz's bangs are pregnant too!
- It's cute when minor stars like Sandra Oh just totally lose their shit over their award.
- Drew Barrymore, you rein in those loose hooters before they swing right out of the TV screen and knock over my drink! Seriously, I just got these rugs cleaned and I'm sending you the bill if you're not careful.
- Nicollette Sheridan really does have the best 40+ face that money can buy. So what if she has to do daily eye-Kegels just to be able to blink?
- Geena Davis totally punked the crowd with her fake little girl story. Well-played!
- Great gag Hugh Laurie came up with for his speech, with the little slips of paper and all. Ditto for Steve Carell and his "my wife wrote my speech" bit. It makes me a little sad, though, for the people who come to an awards show all set to give a clever, unusual acceptance speech but don't get the chance to play through.
- OK, Dakota Johnson, if the thought of being the Golden Globe girl fills you with such angst and self-loathing that you can't even force yourself to stand up straight and smile when your mother's introducing you to the world, then why the hell did you even bother accepting the gig? Jesus, girl, sulk on your own time.
- Pamela Anderson, between the calendars and the bad TV series royalties and the videotape lawsuits, you make a lot of money - surely you didn't need to resort to using a Glad Bag to hold up your rack.
- Emma Thompson, you ROCK that blond pixie 'do and bombshell dress, woman! Especially after doing a movie that requires you wear a toothpiece so hideous that I almost literally couldn't watch you during the preview. I just love Emma.
- Gwyneth, just shut up with the whole "AN-tony" business. I don't care if that's how Sir Hannibal actually pronounces his name; you do it and it sounds as pretentious and nouveau-gentrified as... well, as everything else that comes out of your insipid mouth. By all means, get back out of that limelight and focus on ute-farming your little Tangerine, or Turnip, or whatever produce-inspired name you have lined up for fetus #2.
- Go, S. Epatha Merkerson! I loved "Lackawanna Blues" and I think your next project simply must be a biography of Ella Fitzgerald. Oh please, someone tell me this project is being pitched to her.
- "Lost" won. This makes me happy. I want those pretty, pretty castaways to stay lost forever.
And that's pretty much all I have to say about that. Next stop - SAG Awards on January 29. Then onward to the Oscars! In my Heaven, every night is movie awards night.
You know how I loves my Oscars.... So here are some of my impressions of last night's scene:
SNARKY:
- Thumbs-down for Renee Zellweger's Mexican Goth chic. There's a fine line between pale and corpse-like - when RZ was looking over her shoulder during her red carpet pose, she should've made note of where that line was, so that she can rewind herself into a tanning salon ASAP. And yeah, we know she's lost every ounce of that Bridget Jones weight - no need to shrink-wrap herself in bright red to make sure everyone knows it. Besides, the tighter the dress, the more it looks like whatever residual body-fat she does have has been Easy-Squeezed up into her shiny, swollen cheeks.
- Why, WHY must Gwyneth Paltrow torture her poor, collapsed-souffle tits by continually wearing dresses that make them look scary? Enough with the saggy sheaths, and/or the unflatteringly low, flat bodices... Lift, Gwynnie, for Chrissake - LIFT!!!
- Natalie Portman's dress: pretty, I guess, but the color, texture and style all said Star Wars to me somehow - like something Padme might have worn to a fancy party on Tatooine. I didn't dig the sparkly headband.
- The Fab Five need to shanghai Ethan Hawke, lock him in one of their empty closets, and refuse to let him out until he knocks for a shave and a haircut - waive the two bits, this one's gratis! Just allow someone to help you lose the mangy weasel look once and for all, dude.
- HATED the "kicky" new time-saving awards format. Presenting the less-exciting awards in the middle of the audience was tacky, tacky, tacky. I don't know what particular vision any of the recipients had about giving an acceptance speech, but I guarantee that whatever it was, it involved standing on the fucking stage, not in the theater aisle next to their seat with their back to the audience like they're at a town hall meeting. Having that glory moment front and center with all those famous faces beaming up at you is a major element of the experience, and these poor folks were robbed of it. Badly done. The awards where the nominees were assembled in a line on the stage weren't AS bad... However, even that had a strange, off-putting Miss America vibe. They may as well have had the last year's recipient walk up behind the hopefuls with the statue and tap the winner on the shoulder with it.
- I think it's cool that Chris Rock didn't get too nasty with the jibes, but I actually think he may have gone a little too safe with his performance. People were expecting some edginess from him, but I think overall he cracked fewer jokes about the stars than any of the other hosts in recent history; the digs he did take had a mean-to-funny ratio that was just a little off.
- ... which Sean Penn couldn't abide. Sean. Dude. Rock's Jude Law joke wasn't particularly clever, but it wasn't all that insulting either. I'm sure Jude's grateful for your esteem of his talent, but you sounded like a huge tool. Honestly, I don't know who you think crowned you King Auteur, but I have two words for you, you humorless motherfucker: Jeff Spicoli. For all the ultra-intense, pensive, tortured roles you assume for the rest of your life, after you're dead, the role that will live in most people's minds when they think of you will likely involve a knock on the noggin and the words, "That was my SKULL!" So please channel a little of that erstwhile stoner zen, and lighten the fuck up.
- Laura Linney - cool dress, but you have such a natural, fresh-scrubbed beauty - what up with the punky black eyeliner and the over-moussed fright-mane? Please don't do that again. Check out Halle Berry's example for minimalist beauty that knocks people's socks off.
- Too many strapless gowns! Boring. And not always flattering (see Paltrow, Gwyneth).
ADMIRING:
- Not many people have mentioned Kate Winslet's dress, but I thought it was beautiful, with one of the most flattering bodice/shoulder cuts I saw all night. Cool periwinkle-blue color as well.
- The curve of Hilary Swank's back is a sculptor's nocturnal emission. I wasn't fond of the front of her dress - she looked like she was being choked by it - but I could sure see its purpose when she turned around.
- Cate Blanchett, unlike her contemporary Ms. Zellweger, knows how to work the pale-skinned look. Gorgeous Valentino dress, great style.
- I didn't like the frizzy hair on Scarlett Johanson, but she never goes wrong with the unique elegance of her gowns, and this year's choice was no different. I liked the diamond tiara, too, and even the style and color of her hair - just not the lambswool texture.
- Yeah, so Jamie Foxx's role in "Ray" was more of an amazing imitation than an original creation; he still nailed a tough role, and deserved the Oscar as much as anyone, and even though he's given some version of the Grandma speech about 5 million times, it still came off as heartfelt and touching and it made me verklempt. And he brought his daughter as his date, which was sweet. I'm OK with that kind of schmaltz.
- Clint is the man. It's cool that he still keeps a good relationship with Frances Fisher, and that he brings his ancient little mom to the awards, and that he's doing his best work at a time in his life when most men are retiring. And he's still kind of hot.
- Other well-dressed fellas: Thomas Haden Church (loved the pink tie); Don Cheadle (liked his wife's dress too); Orlando Bloom (dug how his bowtie was tucked under his collar - interesting variation).
- Clive Owen - SO cute! You may agree, but I bet you didn't even know who this guy was 2 years ago; yet he's been my Movie Star Boyfriend since way back when Gosford Park came out, and I'm almost sad that I have to share now. I figured he was a long shot for the Oscar, but he scored the Golden Globe, so that's hip.
Overall, I thought the awards were... OK. No standout speeches, no outrageous attire, really nothing exciting nor overly controversial nor tacky enough to really rile things up; just OK. The one thing I thought was cool was that the two guys who won Best Supporting Actor and Best Actor happened to be black, yet there wasn't a bunch of discussion about it. They were simply the winners. That, I think, is true progress. Anyway, here's hoping next year brings a little Krazy back to the Red Carpet.